How To Find If My Girlfriend Is Cheating On Me – Five months ago, my old boyfriend cheated on me. Our relationship has been damaged due to poor communication, overwork, hatred, etc. While I was disappointed, I now acknowledge the role we both played, and after a moment of anger, I have come to the conclusion that I still love my boyfriend, and I am just as angry at the affair as at the fact that we had. let the relationship be that low. He also expressed deep regret, sadness, and self-loathing for his actions. We had several long heart-to-heart conversations over the following weeks, and these conversations taught me new things about him. The repair process is ongoing, but since the transaction, we have become closer than in a long time.
My real problem is this: The person he cheated on was my co-worker. We’re in the same (big) category, and I still see him often in the public area. I haven’t spoken to him since this happened, and I have no desire to communicate with him. In fact, just looking at it had a profound effect on me. My breath increased; my heart is racing. I have a strong urge to hit and destroy something to get this “opponent response” out of my system. Time doesn’t lessen this feeling, and it bothers me a lot, sometimes ruining my mood for the day. I don’t want him to have this effect on me or interrupt my day like this.
How To Find If My Girlfriend Is Cheating On Me
I’ve talked about this with my boyfriend, but I don’t want to continue to do that. It made him feel very guilty and sad, and even though he wanted to help, he didn’t know how. Me neither. What do I have to do?
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First, you have to know that your reactions are completely understandable after an affair. In fact, what you are describing is a common response to trauma. I will use the word
Because while most people can easily imagine (or know firsthand) the pain of being betrayed, some may not realize that many betrayed partners experience symptoms of PTSD.
Some of these symptoms are irritability, insomnia, hypervigilance, and difficulty concentrating. People may also suffer from “symptoms of abuse,” such as flashbacks (e.g., walking with a cheating partner), infidelity-related nightmares, physical reactivity to a traumatic memory (such as an increased heart rate when you experience a coworker), or emotional distress in dealing with the memory. difficult ones (like the “disappointed” feeling you get when you see them).
The “real problem” here is that infidelity is very painful, and seeing your co-worker distracts from the real problem: betrayal. Part of what makes an affair so devastating is that it involves varying degrees of betrayal. Yes, your boyfriend betrayed your trust, and the two of you worked it out together. But your partner also betrayed you, and part of this trauma can be very difficult to overcome, because most people are so focused on the main betrayal (between you, you and your boyfriend) that they don’t take the time to work. through – or even acknowledging – the second.
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And to be sure, many will be inclined to say that this isn’t about anyone else at all. After all, this guy never makes you promise. Only your partner does it.
But there’s something dishonest about that line of thinking. The other person involved in the affair, even if that person is single and available and has little or no contact with the betrayed partner, is involved in the betrayal. An excuse like “He’s not happy with the relationship – I didn’t do anything wrong” is tantamount to driving a car in a robbery and saying that he’s not a supporter of the crime.”
He did not commit robbery; I’d love to take some of the stolen money.” This mental exercise makes the betrayed partner feel irrational for having the same reaction you have when you see your co-worker.
Apparently, your partner knows that the woman he has sex with is your girlfriend. So apart from the pain of seeing it at work, it’s also so weird that none of you recognize the betrayal. He doesn’t come to you and say, “I’m really sorry for the pain I caused. In fact, it’s possible that he wishes you didn’t know about him; or that he knows you will, and that he is too guilty to give up.
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I understand your desire not to talk to this coworker, but here’s the thing: The trauma of the unknown is like a double dose of grief; trauma needs air, and if you can take the initiative to deliver it, you’ll also be breathing easier.
Maybe take a moment to pull your coworker aside and say something like, “I’m so sad to see you at work after what happened between you and my boyfriend, and for both of you, we have to pretend it didn’t happen. I was wondering if you felt awkward and wanted to say something to me. I’m not interested in details or anything like that – I believe everything my boyfriend says and we’re much better off now. I just wanted to say that your part in what happened was really- really hurt me, and I think you should know.” Then stop talking and let him fill the space with whatever he chooses—even if you have to wait a very long pause.
It doesn’t matter what he says – what matters is that you do something useful for yourself: you speak the unspoken that floats between you like a poison ray. I cannot stress enough the value of speaking the unspeakable. A meaningful friend might suggest you the following, “Forget it. He died for you!” Because he didn’t. The people who would hurt us are never there; worse than that, they drag us down if we let them.
I’m not suggesting that once you get close to your coworker, you still don’t get angry about meeting him or her. But as an effective pressure valve, speaking the unspeakable can help release some of the tension. Also remember that in the trauma life cycle, five months isn’t long at all, and it looks like you and your boyfriend have a lot of important conversations in that time. It speaks of the strength of your relationship, and freeing up some of the emotional real estate by giving less to your partner will only help you and your partner move forward together.
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The respected therapist is for informational purposes only, not medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek advice from your doctor, mental health practitioner, or other qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. By sending a letter, you agree to allow The Atlantic to use it – in whole or in part – and we may edit it for length and/or clarity. the right tool, it is possible to keep your relationship discreet.PeopleImages / Getty Images
When Elle Grant’s husband started spending a lot of time working with his female partner, he didn’t immediately suspect anything. “It never bothered me because he didn’t like it,” Grant said. “He’s unattractive, tough at work. But something’s bothering my brain.”
Grant finally confronted her husband about his hunch that something was wrong. Slowly, the truth begins to unfold. “He confessed less, then, over the next few days and weeks, he confessed more. I was shocked and devastated.”
Despite these issues, the couple has remained together and are currently approaching their 23rd wedding anniversary. But for many couples, infidelity is the nail in the coffin. A study by the Austin Institute found that marital infidelity accounts for about 37 percent of divorces in the US
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It’s not easy to recover from—but according to marriage and family therapist Amanda D. Mahoney, patients who manage to stay together after an affair have one major thing in common: they can be added. towards the problem versus just focusing on the action of the problem itself,” he explains.
It should not be confused with justifying the decision to cheat by pointing out problems in the relationship as an excuse. But if you can be honest with your partner about what didn’t work—without messing around—that’s a good sign that your relationship has the potential to improve.
Of course, it may not only be fixed, but you can become stronger than before if you handle it the right way.
“If you and your partner are dating after the fact and want to work this out and stay together, that can be one of the most important catalysts for growth in a couple relationship that’s out there,” says Jen Elmquist, relationship expert.
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