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If I could ask the genius for just one little thing, it would be the amount of time it takes to get over someone after a breakup. Because not knowing how long all those horrible, horrible, nasty, really bad feelings that come after you get your heart broken and stomped on are going to last, it’s just agony. So how long does it take to get over someone?
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Well, studies show you can get over someone in three to six months, and longer for marriage (more on that later). me
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Charlotte York famously said that it takes half the time of a relationship to get over a person (for example, a two-year relationship takes a full year to recover). Other people (ahem, Jardin Sparks) say it takes weeks if you force yourself to cry completely for that amount of time and only that amount of time.
Unfortunately, geniuses don’t exist (but neither does Charlotte York, amirite?), and the reality is that there’s no one-size-fits-all scale for how long it will take to get over someone and feel happy again.
1. Getting over a serious relationship can take anywhere from a few weeks to a few years.
T this broad time scale is actually supported by findings and experts, and in many cases the shorter end of the agony spectrum wins (thanks G).
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In a 2007 study, most participants said they felt better after just three months. Meanwhile, people who participated in the 2017 survey said it took about six months. To get over someone after a divorce, that time frame is reduced to a year and a half, according to a 2009 study, but that’s not that long, relatively speaking (at least IMO).
“It can take anywhere from six weeks to three months to an eternity, depending on the intensity of the relationship, how much you’ve invested in each other, and how heartbroken you are,” says Jane Greer, Ph.D., Division of Marriage and Family and therapist and author at new york
“On the other hand, if you’re casually dating someone and you don’t really like the relationship, you can get over it in less than a week.”
In short, it means there is no mathematical formula (sorry Charlotte)… but who likes math?
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“It only took me a week to get over my last ex. We got to the point where we had nothing in common anymore, and we hardly saw each other. For the last three months of the relationship, I knew it was over and I had to end it, so I didn’t I felt so bad about breaking things off. Also, I got into a relationship with my current boyfriend (who I’m not six years old with anymore) about two weeks after my So it definitely sped up the process of getting over my ex.” –
“When you’re deeply and intensely attached, you can’t handle separation and loss,” Greer explains. (Think: Three weeks after your date, you started sleeping in his T-shirt. Now, two months after the breakup, you’re still wearing it.)
Your heightened sense of attachment and sensitivity can leave you feeling drained, lower your self-esteem, and make you long for your ex, says Greer.
Also, if you’re deeply attached to someone, the relationship you had was probably a core part of your identity, says Gary Lewandowski, Ph.D., a psychology professor at Monmouth University who gave a TED talk: leave, you’re broken.” So now that the relationship is over, you may feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself too.
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On the other hand, if you’re more adept at adapting to change and letting go, you’re more likely to be able to move on with your life, rebuild and enter new activities and relationships more quickly, Greer explains.
“It takes me a while to get over someone, mostly through texting and social media. My last ex and I kept in touch occasionally after we broke up. But I learned that I needed to be busy to break up with him. I was going to bars weekdays instead of staying up to watch new shows, and eventually I stopped thinking about him.”
Just as there is no one-size-fits-all timeline, there is no one-size-fits-all way to navigate the grief fast lane. (Again, my apologies.) However, there are some handy tricks that can help you speed up your engine at least a little.
Before doing so, however, you need to know – and keep remembering – that everyone deals with loss differently (and yes, a breakup is a loss). Understanding this fact will make the process of getting over your ex easier, says Greer. That’s because it teaches you to accept your feelings instead of judging them, so you can move on from them when you’re ready.
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Also, the secret to owning and mending your broken heart is to do what it takes and focus on what makes you feel good.
The first step is to surround yourself with people who make you feel valued and give you valuable feedback; you know, it helps you see your good qualities when you inevitably start berating yourself for the breakup (hey, it happens). And use that time to focus on you, not your S.O. that for whatever reason does not suit you.
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Those bangs you’ve been wanting but knew your partner at the time wouldn’t like? Tell your hairdresser to do it. That cool ear or nipple piercing you tagged on IG? Dress up, baby.
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Greer says that a makeover, a style change, or something to refresh your identity (even just physically at first) will help you fill the void and free yourself from being defined by relationships or who you once were.
“After a few years of ups and downs with a guy I met in high school, we broke up in my mid-20s. At first I was devastated because we had so many memories from different stages of our lives and it took me almost a year to get rid of the sad feelings. What helped me the most was remembering that even though I was sad, I still had the same wonderful family, friends, and job that I had before the relationship and the breakup. It was also very satisfying to unfriend a guy on Facebook.” —
One word to focus on when trying to outdo someone: replacement. What it’s like to replace an ex with a new person (more on that in a minute), activity, or experience. According to Greer, the R word is “the most effective way to deal with loss.”
Sign up for a dance class, start going to the gym, start reading books, go to concerts, take cooking classes; all this, once again, will help you build a new personality (without the old ones) and fill the time that was before. spent with his ex-partner.doing something he likes. Plus, these types of activities aren’t usually done alone, so you’re also putting yourself in a good position to feel less alone. It also helps to have a goal to work towards so you can soak up all the positive vibes that come with kicking ass. anyone?
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“It took me eight months to get over my ex. For six months after the breakup, I was depressed and didn’t want to find anyone again. I finally read the book
Patti Stenger, who gave me a new perspective on dating. I realized that my previous relationships were not meant to be and that finding the right guy can take time. So I focused on making my life better for me, not for some guy. I took a break from dating and filled my life with things like spending time with friends, exercising, and planning a big move, and within a month I met mr. Right. -Julie D.
Another clutch helper? Rekindle past passions that you may have stopped doing or put aside to make room for your old S.O. Lewandowski’s research found that pursuing dysfunctional interests can be a more effective coping mechanism than trying new things because there is no guarantee that you will actually enjoy those new activities or incorporate them into your identity.
As for “replacing someone new,” it’s not a bad idea, Greer says, as long as you do your best not to compare yourself to your ex. It can keep you stuck in the past, which makes it much harder to get over the person you’re trying to leave.
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Instead, look at the new prospect as “a person who has new interests and passions to bring to your life,” Greer suggests. And of course, if you find yourself constantly jumping out of the relationship a
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