I Feel Very Alone In My Marriage – If you feel unloved in your marriage, you are not alone, although you may feel completely alone and the pain is indescribable.
This article is about the painful loneliness of feeling unloved in a marriage, how to deal with it, and some alternative explanations of what can really be going on in your relationship.
I Feel Very Alone In My Marriage
It’s as if the person who dreamed of you no longer wanted you, admired you or cherished you anymore.
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It’s hard to admit and you can often feel like you’ve been frustrated with your partner, but when you dig deeper and really see how you feel:
And this feeling of being unloved by her husband deeply erodes her soul.
All of PTA’s other parents, clients, family and friends consider her life to be nearly perfect.
She is beautiful, very smart, has great skin, a lively and outgoing personality, has a nice home, and is the first to help neighbors when they are in need.
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They see her 3 happy and healthy children, her impressive career as owner and manager of her own flower business (she’s the best around), and a great relationship with her husband.
She tries to bond with her husband, only to be met with a blank stare that feels like routine.
When he does this, it’s as if he’s looking at her, confirming the painful feeling of being unloved in his marriage.
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On a recent Saturday night, they actually hired a babysitter so they could go out together.
She donned a figure-hugging dark green dress that complemented her emerald eyes and had a lovely long slit in the back.
Although she feels unloved countless times in her marriage, she is clearly trying to ease Charles’ attention.
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She went to say goodbye to her baby, looking up at Charles to see her reaction to her sexy outfit, as if he didn’t know what to do with her.
Although his eyes widened in surprise, he closed his mouth and said nothing. After saying goodbye to the children, he followed her to the door.
She deliberately stepped out of her comfort zone in a sexy green dress with a back slit to take her comfort zone to the next level, feeling like she wasn’t getting anything out of him.
When they got home, Charles turned on the TV to see what was left of the Dodgers game, and she went straight to bed, feeling the whole universe explode between them.
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She fell asleep crying quietly, feeling even less loved, and awoke the next day with the normal turmoil of her busy family life, more estranged from Charles, more desperate for their marriage than ever, more lonely. .
Dr. Sue Johnson, Founder of Emotion-Focused Therapy for Couples (According to research, the gold standard of couples therapy helps 9 out of 10 couples improve their relationships by helping them bridge the gap that Jill and Charles Face) described how the feeling of loneliness and unloved in your relationship, as if you were starving, but in a room with a feast, separated by a piece of glass.
Jill tried her less subtle ways, but the message didn’t get through, which for her only confirmed her feeling of being unloved by her husband.
However, if we remove the layers between Jill and Charles, we see a different picture.
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Several times he fell very much in love with her, but she did not know whether he had a green dress or not.
What stopped him from reaching her when she tried her best to make things as easy as possible?
She wasn’t shy about letting him know that he sometimes let her down or that something was “wrong.”
Because she often feels invisible, misunderstood or even unloved, she tries to assert herself and make herself seen and heard.
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She is articulate, articulate, handles emotions quickly, and when they have an argument, she can cut it off like the best lawyer in the courtroom.
They find themselves caught up in a very common pattern of what Sue Johnson calls a “protest polka” in her bestselling (and game-changing) couples book, Hold on to Me: Seven Conversations on the Love of a Lifetime.
For Jill, Charles seemed to be holding her back, and Charles felt that no matter what he did, he couldn’t satisfy her, so he stopped caring.
Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist and relationship researcher with over 40 years of experience, writes in his book The 7 Principles That Make Marriage Work.
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While the disconnected patterns that get in the way and that Jill and Charles fall into aren’t good signs in a relationship, they don’t mean a partner doesn’t care.
In fact, even if you feel unloved, it could mean that your partner cares more than you think.
Gottman and his colleagues took physiological measurements of obstructive partners who didn’t admit to feeling anything and consistently found that even though they didn’t seem to care about the world, these partners had elevated blood pressure and pulse.
The problem is that Jill feels too painful, too impossible, to bridge the gap.
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Once you’re painfully, horribly aware that you’re unloved, it’s hard to go anywhere from there.
So you search for publications on the internet and rely on “what’s there” instead of digging deep into what’s there because it hurts too much.
I’m really glad you found your way here, because I’d like to offer some alternate explanations of what might be going on in your marriage.
However, I can share my experience of working with countless partners who have felt unloved in their marriages and often have a lot of love for you.
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If you’re feeling unloved, here are some other things that can happen to your partner (and can totally agree with Jill’s story above):
1. They think you’re mad at them instead of feeling lonely, sad, scared, and unloved by them.
Your partner probably doesn’t know what’s going on inside you or even that you want them to want you, so they’re doing everything they can to keep you from getting mad at them, which can lead to lots of closure, inadvertently conveying to you that they don’t care and your unloved message.
They prefer not to hesitate and in some ways try to keep the two of you from escalating into conflict. They prefer to keep the peace and think it’s better for both of you.
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4. They survive by suppressing their feelings, so they do the same to you.
This is especially true for those who must outlive their careers by shutting down their emotional experiences, for example. Veterans Affairs, Police, etc.
The same goes for those who grew up in emotionally distant or alienated families who don’t express or share their feelings as often.
There are other possibilities like why you feel unloved in your relationship, conversations to have, depths to explore together, bridges to build.
Feeling Unloved In Marriage
Truth A: Your partner doesn’t love you and will never love you the way you need to.
With the help of a facilitator who understands the roadmap of love and how it can go wrong, they are able to step into new territory, ask different questions and take risks to share their truth with each other.
Charles didn’t know, because he just felt that everything he did was a disappointment, because every time she was around him, she seemed to live in a space of anger more often.
He didn’t realize how lonely and unloved she felt deep down, how powerful he could be over her just by being totally with her.
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They begin to understand that the cycle of pain is taking them further and further away from themselves and each other.
They begin to understand their own experiences and those of others with more empathy and empathy, and realize that each of them suffers from being disconnected and that they are all so important to each other that they all forgot it.
Stop talking about things that seem like code to them, that might make sense to you (like Jill’s green dress), but leave them confused and unsure.
If you’re ready to do the real work, uncover the truth, and possibly build bridges,
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