Why Do I Feel So Lonely In My Relationship – Being single is not just a feeling for those who are single or lonely. But there is a way to make it work.
“It’s very common for people to feel like they’re in a long-term relationship,” says Neelu Dardashti, a New York-based psychologist and communication expert.
Why Do I Feel So Lonely In My Relationship
People in relationships may be lonely because something isn’t working in their relationship, or they look to their partner to fill the void, according to Darshti.
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Whatever the culprit, there are experts who can explain why you might be feeling this way and provide ways to find the root of the loneliness you’re experiencing.
One of the reasons you feel lonely may be that your relationship isn’t working as well as it used to. A 2018 Pew Research Center survey found that 28% of people who are dissatisfied with their family life feel all or most lonely. And the number of unhappy people at home is on the rise—the most recent General Social Survey conducted in 2016 by NORC at the University of Chicago reported the most unhappy couples since 1974.
Gary Brown, a licensed family and marriage therapist in Los Angeles, says that this feeling of loneliness often occurs when a couple loses an emotional connection. “Even in the best of relationships, there will be times when one or both partners drift apart and drift further and further apart,” he says.
According to Jenny Tietz, clinical psychologist and author of How to Be Single and Happy, feeling insecure can also contribute to feelings of loneliness in a relationship. “One of the factors that lead to loneliness is not talking about your feelings or sharing anything that might be there,” she says. Sharing it is not very safe and dangerous. “You can be close to someone, but they don’t know more personal things about you.”
How To Be Alone Without Being Lonely
Social media can also play a role. According to Tietz, comparing your relationships to those you see on social media can lead to feelings of loneliness. “Let’s say it was Valentine’s Day and you had a delicious meal. “But then you go on social media and everyone else is getting pretty jewelry or flowers.” “It automatically makes you feel lonely,” she says. When you compare your relationship with your social media, she says, you create an “adverse distance” between you and your partner. It is from this distance that the feeling of loneliness begins to arise. And the more you spend on social media, the lonelier you feel. A 2017 study published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine found that people who reported spending more than two hours a day on social media were twice as likely to feel lonely. Half an hour on those sites.
But some people feel lonely and can reach for a real relationship. A 2016 study published in Nature found that loneliness can be inherited, and that some people are genetically determined to experience feelings of loneliness throughout their lives. And Dardashti warns that pre-existing relationships as a means of healing feelings of loneliness will not really be effective. “People hope that other people are solutions to the loneliness of their existence in the world, but usually,” she said. Not so. “Nobody’s going to take that loneliness away.”
Finding the root of your loneliness can be difficult. But the first step is to talk to your partner about your feelings, says Joshua Rosenthal, a clinical psychologist and director of pediatric and adolescent therapy at the Manhattan Psychology Group. If during a conversation your partner can show practical examples of how he regularly tries to fill you up emotionally but you still can’t make him feel lonely, “It could be. There’s something in somebody else’s body. People,” he said.
If that’s the case, Rosenthal says, take a close look at your past relationships to determine if the feelings you’re experiencing are similar rather than different. Do you often feel lonely when the novelty of a new relationship wears off? “You probably feel that way in any relationship [after the early stages],” advises Dardashti. “That’s a question that needs to come back to. What is it about you that creates this dynamic?”
I’m So Lonely
According to both Rosenthal and Dardashti, if you talk to your partner and they also feel lonely, chances are the relationship is to blame. “If you feel alone, chances are others will too,” Dardashti says. A 2009 study published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology also found that loneliness is contagious.
If you and your partner both feel lonely, it’s important to look at these feelings in the context of your relationship, Dardashti says. Do you feel lonely when you are together? Do you feel that you are more lonely now than before in this relationship? Have you ever had a time when you felt more satisfied with your partner than you do now? If the answers to these questions are yes, it could be a sign that something is not working in your relationship, according to Dardashti. She says that often there is a possibility of breakup between the two. “Whenever you feel like there’s more contact and less loneliness, that’s a sign you’re drifting in different directions.”
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If your relationship has become lonely and you’re hoping to get back on track, talk to your partner again. “The first thing is to make yourself aware of what you’re feeling and then approach,” Brown said. “Your partner and start something that might be a series of conversations.” “It should be done in such a way that your partner does not feel judged. [It’s] more to let them know what your experience is. “
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So how do you make sure your partner doesn’t feel judged or patronized? According to Brown, it’s important to come from a place of vulnerability when you explain your feelings and use a noncommittal tone and language. For example, you could say something like, “I want to confide in you about what’s going on in my inner world — I’ve been feeling a little careless lately, and I don’t want you to hear that too much. Blame more like that. My experience,” he said. Brown. Adds, “Consider identifying any stressors in your partner’s life that might prevent them from being there for you.”
Then listen to your partner’s point of view. Brown says that if they’re on the same page about wanting to fix the relationship, you can have a series of conversations to figure out what’s broken in your relationship and how to fix it. And if you need a little extra help with communication or finding solutions, Taitz recommends seeing two therapists and not waiting until things get worse to do so. “If you feel stuck around certain issues or have trouble communicating effectively with your partner, and [you] value your relationship, there are evidence-based therapies that can help you increase intimacy by teaching you skills in a few sessions,” says Taitz. These skills can include communicating in a calm way rather than escalating tension, and controlling your emotions before talking to your partner.
Dardashti says that if your partner is doing everything to make you feel perfect and loneliness is inside you, you probably like to find external ways to relieve loneliness. your cup To deal with these feelings on your own, she suggests seeking the help of a therapist, “where you’re encouraged to look at yourself and think about your stuff, your problems, and your patterns.” There you can work on your internal issues that may be affecting your mood in your relationship.
Although it may seem counterintuitive, the solution to loneliness is not necessarily to surround yourself with people. Dardashti suggests engaging in activities like meditation that force you to think. “The important thing,” she says, “is that if you want to be comfortable in your solitude, you don’t have to be. Avoid being alone.” “Face it and try to understand what happens to you when you are alone. Only then can you think about doing something about it.” Loneliness can stress your body into fight-or-flight mode. Jordyn Rolling (@jordynrolling) can
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